Design Obituary

Design

650 Millions Years BC – Wednesday, 17 January 2007

At 08.56, GMT, Design passed away at her spiritual home in Milan. During the latter part of 2006, a Mr P. Starck claimed to have killed design single handed, but this was later found to be another publicity stunt by the Frenchman. After a post mortem it was found that design was killed by the terminal illness, P.R.E.S.S (Precursary Recurring Environmental Stress Syndrome), which lead to catastrophic symptoms, including respiratory problems, rapid increase in temperature and severe cases of wind (Tornado, Typhoon, Hurricane, et al.).

Design leaves behind a long and distinguished career that mirrored the path of many flawed genii, ending in heady excess.

Designed remained anonymous for many years. The concept of intelligent problem solving whilst being pleasing on the eye had been practiced by different cultures for millennia. From the early architecture of the Mayans, the advanced civilisation of Greece, Rome’s evolutionary warfare, through to the cultural progress of the Renaissance, it was only in the 20th century that Design really found her feet, and flaunted the persona we recognise today.

She belonged to a family of high rollers, philanthropists and intellectuals, to which we owe much in the development of contemporary culture. We managed to track down her older brother, Art, in a bar in Manhattan, who had these words to say:

“I loved design, but toward the end she was losing the plot. She became transfixed on the dollar, and lost the ability to make people think and question (one of my personal strengths). She became obsessed with cheaper manufacturing. The last time I spoke to her she just kept on repeating the word ‘China’ over and over. I couldn’t get any sense out of her.”

From a Birch Forrest just outside High Wycombe, her twin brother, Craft, reflected on his relationship with her.

‘She was always a bit aloof with me. All I can remember is her obsession with technology. Always new, always faster - She kept on talking about this new chap Rapid Prototyping – best thing since sliced bread! My feelings have always been that there would be no replacement for honest materials with a bit of passion and the human hand – but it was always new, new, new with her (but I did love her)”.

During the last two decades of her life, she was constantly seen out on the tiles. Her two partners in crime, Cocktail Party and Private View, were never far from her side. Vapid and backslapping, the two party girls constantly accompanied design on her nights out. Always to be seen at the right venue, with the right hairstyle, the three always seemed to find the free booze, but were often heard to complain that there was ‘never enough lager’ and that wine was ‘for ponces’.

Throughout her lifetime design she had many suitors. Her most memorable and honourable included the Italians Achille Castiglioni and Enzo Mari, and the retiring Brit, Jasper Morrison. Her flamboyant, ambiguous sexuality meant she also enjoyed a love tryst with Charles and Ray Eames and an affair with the Spaniard, Patricia Urquiola.

Low points in her personal life included a number of individuals of varied nationalities and social standing, bleeding her dry for her the fame and fortune she offered. American, Australian, British and French (and many others to boot) gorged themselves at her table, whilst proliferating fashion at the expense of substance in return.

The responsibility of an icon and role model always weighed heavy on the shoulders of design. It is said that she blamed her distant cousin, Education, for her disinterest in her own work. She believed Education had promised much to many youngsters, but was more interested in business than education, pumping out clone after clone, ignorant of her history, and desperate for the lifestyle and fame that many of her passed suitors had yearned for.

It is true that Design leaves an amazing and unconventional story behind her. Many believe that some of the most beautiful, functional and worthwhile objects in our history are her responsibility, the paperclip, bicycle and wind-up radio to name a few. Many will also agree that in her latter years she became ugly, vaccuous and self-obsessed, and as the disease took hold – many of her most memorable creations were replaced by the loud, fashionable and distinctly average.

Yet, as we mourn the passing of a great individual, there is much to look forward to. She leaves two children, Intelligence (not to be confused with ‘Intelligent Design’, the American crack-pot and religious nut, who’s claims of paternity were shown as false in 2006) and Ethics. They have promised to develop her legacy (although it is unclear if they will shy away from the spotlight and work in a more illusive manner), but one thing is for certain, that whilst there are still individuals and groups that value the core values of their profession, there is still hope that design will cut itself a new path in the rock face of history.

Design is dead, long live Design.



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